"Poor (black) kids and their parents need to just try harder!"

I hate this declaration...with a passion. While it is fundamentally true, it's like saying "All schools need to be better." Of course they do, but simply saying is not a moment of genius nor does it change anything.

Disclaimer: The following comments applies to "poor" kids in general, I just happen to be black and a little sensitive...

Many of us have been in conversations when someone says, "Poor (black) kids need to try harder...their parents need to stop making excuses...they need to raise their kids' expectations...etc." So many people really use this as the silver bullet to the declining state of blacks in poverty. Sadly, it's as effective as a spitball.

The truth is, poor black kids are screwed. Ignoring the fact they live in a society that already thinks negatively of them, many are surrounded by friends, family, and neighborhoods that have little to no aspirations. But why? Poor schooling? That's a part of it. "Bad" parents? That's a big part of it. Low expectations? Definitely. But think about it. How can we expect these kids to grow up and act "better" if they haven't seen and experienced "how to act!?"

Some say we should expect more from them because at some points they grow up and become adults. But c'mon...if I go into your car and spend 100 hours re-wiring your systems, how long is it going to take you to correctly wire them? And are you going to be able to do it yourself? Probably not.

These kids are conditioned in every sense of the word for failure, so when they grow up, things don't just change because their older. We can't point at them and just say "YOU need to act differently" or "YOU need to raise your expectations," simply because they're older. While these are fundamentally true statements, it's not a simple mind shift. Sometimes I want to say to someone making these comments, "How about YOU try and write with your other hand from now on." See how easy that is after decades of conditioning. See how many times you try and fail, and resort back to your normal hand.

This is a really large, ingrained problem and explains why so few initiatives don't work. They only attack a piece of the puzzle and/or are not widespread enough to sustain change. So what's the solution? I honestly think this is why the work of churches, non-profits, programs, interventions, and people like US need to get in there and set different expectations and "re-wire" them to see and think differently. Most of us that are educated/fortunate are here because someone else gave back. Likely, we should go teach. Volunteer. Mentor. Live next to them and let them come into our homes to see what it "could look like." Too many of us move out and away as soon as we reach that level of success. Leaving poor (black) kids to re-wire the "car" all by themselves, while using the other hand.

My point is....we should really focus the argument on us, not them. "Why can't WE try harder? Why can't WE stop making excuses? Why can't WE raise their expectations." Think about it.

Ok, off the soap box now.

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UPDATE

After reading this a friend of mine said "You sound like a brotha who doesn't have kids. Wait until you start reproducing....when I hear you say you don't have time for kids in the hood anymore, I'm pulling this email out, lol."

Here was my response:

True dat.
I do live in a neighborhood "formerly known as the hood" and already am like "I need to get out of here, these !@##$ are crazy!" I don't need kids to push me to that point. I'm not Geoffrey Canada, I just try and do my part in my own little selfish world.

Interesting thought though, if it's difficult for us to change and damn near impossible to say "I'm going to fully devote myself to others and live next to those that might rob me or negatively influence my kids" then imagine how difficult it is for conditioned poor kids to say "I need to disregard everything I have learned and set my expectations higher. I'm going to the library to study for the SAT!"

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UPDATE #2

Another friend wrote me and asked, "Wait so you don't think we should expect poor black kids to succeed? Are we that fatalistic? in my travels to lots of third world places, i have seen people in much worse situations than some of these kids in the hood. Just because you are poor does not mean you can't succeed or that you have to have a messed up mentality." She then went on to talk about her mother's bleak situation and how she fought through it and provided her children with an education.

Here was my response:

I absolutely agree with everything you said. Poor black kids' parents do need to fight through the excuses and raise the bar and hold their kids up to a higher standard. In the work I've done, that, plus an education, plus showing them other possibilities was the secret sauce to ending the cycle of poverty in a family.

My argument was more of a chicken or the egg problem. If expecting more wasn't instilled into them, is it realistic to think they will do it for their children? When I hear my neighbors call their 2-year old a "little mutha!@#" and the kid laughs and repeats it back at them, can you really expect that child to grow up and magically break that cycle? There has to be some type of intervention. Although the children you see in the 3rd world are far poorer, I bet their parents have higher expectations...maybe not the means but not the conditioned mindset as blacks in America. I also bet your mother wasn't raised being called a little !@#$ by her parents. And if she was, I bet there was someone in her life that raised the bar for her and told her she can be somebody. Again, intervention by someone, subtle or not.

All that said, I didn't mean to say it's futile. I just meant to say they're in a REALLY tough position and that some type of intervention needs to be injected in their lives to break the cycle. Do you think it's better to be "third world poor" with no resources but the belief that you can be better because someone instilled that in you, or be "American poor" and locked in the belief that "you ain't sh!t, your momma aint sh!t, and you ain't never gonna be sh!t!" It's a tough question...

Dear iPhone

Dear iPhone,

You have eluded me for years. As a customer of Sprint, I have fervently waited to grasp you in my hands and call you mine. Staying true to my wireless steed has been a long and perilous journey, riddled with persecution, abandonment, and misfortune. I must admit, on many occasions I was tempted to commit treason with the likes of those other money-leeching, data-impotent carriers. Instead, I stayed true to my first love, despite the loneliness and rejection.

In your absence, my trusted Blackberry has served me well. It has retrieved and delivered tens of thousands of messages to those I cherish and those I barely know. Despite frequent interruptions of service, I once proudly dubbed it my "crackberry." But that time has come to an end.

In preparation of your arrival, I have become quite familiar with your cousin, the iPod Touch. Oh she was a beauty...lightweight, sleek, with a perfect set of apps any man would cherish. Yet she too was pale in comparison to the likes of you.

The time has finally come. My trusted steed, Sprint, has came through and made a deal with the devil to bring you near. I admit, I was befuddled by your decision to tease me by only revealing your lackluster, 4S form. For a brief moment, I contemplated waiting until you were ready to show me your formidable 5th model...but alas, I must have you now. Last night I wiped a tear as I anxiously signed my name in blood and presented a generous dowry to bring you closer to me. I now vehemently await your arrival, when I will cautiously yet vigorously take advantage of your beloved features. Until then my dear…

Your long lost love,

~Sheldon

PS I offer my sincere condolences and regret at the passing of your father. He was a noble man and will surely be missed.

Goodbye Blackberry.

Hello iPhone.

Confused? Does it Matter?

Sometimes we don't know what to do, think, or say. But what does it matter?

We're not the first to be confused. I am confused all the time. Deep thought requires time. Time requires resources. Resources require opportunity. Opportunity requires privilege (in many cases). And privileges are biased!

But what does it matter?

They say it's the young that are confused, but by the time you find out who you are, you're old. So is ignorance bliss? I think so. Does this mean that I'm not ignorant...or should be? do I have the time for this deep thought? Do I have the resources? Or the opportunity? What about the privilege?

I do.

So I must be favored, but by whom? God? But why me...the infamous question. Would I even like to find out, or just be ignorant? But I don't want to be, I think.

Ha, yeah...I'm confused. But does it matter?

Who's Watching Me?

Who's watching me? I know I watch everyone else. In fact, I watch everyone to see if they're watching me!

Most times, however, I seem to be the only one...the only one who's stepping out of the automated reality where people go about their business without pausing and thinking. But I can't be the only one, right? Well, maybe I am. Maybe I'm the only one who's doing it in public. Maybe everyone else sits back and thinks mainly in private. Even now...writing...I pause momentarily to see if someone is watching...but they're not.

Ha! Maybe I just miss them and they look away when I look up...sly dogs! Maybe it's the proverbial effect. If I don't see them watching, then are they? Honestly, I don't think so. I do think I'm the only one watching, or maybe one day I'll catch someone looking and ask them if they were watching....pausing...and thinking.

Yeah, but until then I'll just continue watching and wondering...Who's watching me!?

Education: The Unknown Gold Rush…

No wonder why kids are dropping out of high school...students have lost all hope! We sometimes say, "These kids are dropping out because they don't see the connection between education and a future. They either don't have a plan or think there's money to make immediately."

My opinion is not that they don't see the connection, but it's that we don't show them the connection between education and their future and instead push them out of education! During the mid-1800s, the California Gold Rush had a group of early gold-seekers called the "forty-niners." They were known for dropping everything and moving to California with what they had on their backs in pursuit of the possibility of finding gold. Similarly, gamblers are quick to waste away their savings in pursuit of the possibility of winning it big. Even those considered more practical, on Wall St., invest billions into the stock market each year for the same possibility to produce wealth.

Unlike these examples, Education is the only guaranteed factor that changes the earning potential of an individual. With such a guarantee, it baffles the mind to answer the question, "Why aren't kids staying in school?" Ironically it also points out the very reason so many immigrants come here and succeed. They hear about this possibility, a.k.a. The American Dream, and leave everything they have to pursue it...and in many cases,they find out that the rumors are indeed true. There is no way our children would be dropping out at the rate they are if they truly knew there was a possibility to have a better life...it's human nature to survive. So obviously they must be unaware. Our society fails at showing "other" American children the importance of education, so that they can then "rush" towards its benefits.

I called them "other" children because those educated must show the children of those non-educated. We cannot expect uneducated parents to see and translate the benefits of an opportunity if they themselves have not experienced it. I challenge each of you, each of us, with this complex but critical task...of just showing others that it is possible.


Join the rush!

My First Blog…

Welcome,

First let me start off by saying that I'm not a doctor, nor a lawyer. I'm not in Corporate America [though sometimes it may feel like it]; I don't make an ample amount of money; and I don't have a master's degree [yet]. Nevertheless, I travel the country for work; I travel the world for pleasure; I have been promoted three times within my first four years out of college; I have had more business engagements than half my peers; I have been trained as a motivational speaker and am helping to change the lives of thousands of young, hidden talent in America; I bought my first house - a four-bedroom residence in downtown Washington DC (w/ tenants).

So am I successful? I don't know...I think so, but I don't feel comfortable saying it one way or the other. The ultimate question for me is, "Will I make it into heaven," but right now that seems like an eternity away...

I grew up with a single mother who has seen her fair share of abuse; I was tempted by alcohol, gangs, drugs, and other blights from my hometown; and the one person I wanted to look up to was going down the wrong path [though he's much better now]. So should I be on the streets, dead, or in jail like most of those who have shared a similar path? Maybe, but I'm not.

I am a young & educated black man who works for a non-profit, helping low income high school students get into college. I graduated from Duke University; I am a Sigma Man [You Know!]; I am a product of numerous developmental programs; and I'm definitely a self-starter. So should I be doing something else, something more prestige and dap? Maybe, but I'm not.

I know I might sound like I'm going through my quarter-life crisis or that I'm looking for purpose [which I already know is to serve God], but none of which are correct. I guess I'm just writing this to say that I know I am blessed...above and beyond how I could have ended up. Yet as thankful to God as I am, I still want 'more'...and the question to myself, to you, or to anyone else that may know the answer... "Is that greed or something else?"

Who knows? Either way, I look forward to finding the answer as I continue on life's complex journey. I am fearful of it not working out, but if the past has any indicator of what's to come, then I can't wait...

~Sheldon M