"Poor (black) kids and their parents need to just try harder!"

I hate this declaration...with a passion. While it is fundamentally true, it's like saying "All schools need to be better." Of course they do, but simply saying is not a moment of genius nor does it change anything.

Disclaimer: The following comments applies to "poor" kids in general, I just happen to be black and a little sensitive...

Many of us have been in conversations when someone says, "Poor (black) kids need to try harder...their parents need to stop making excuses...they need to raise their kids' expectations...etc." So many people really use this as the silver bullet to the declining state of blacks in poverty. Sadly, it's as effective as a spitball.

The truth is, poor black kids are screwed. Ignoring the fact they live in a society that already thinks negatively of them, many are surrounded by friends, family, and neighborhoods that have little to no aspirations. But why? Poor schooling? That's a part of it. "Bad" parents? That's a big part of it. Low expectations? Definitely. But think about it. How can we expect these kids to grow up and act "better" if they haven't seen and experienced "how to act!?"

Some say we should expect more from them because at some points they grow up and become adults. But c'mon...if I go into your car and spend 100 hours re-wiring your systems, how long is it going to take you to correctly wire them? And are you going to be able to do it yourself? Probably not.

These kids are conditioned in every sense of the word for failure, so when they grow up, things don't just change because their older. We can't point at them and just say "YOU need to act differently" or "YOU need to raise your expectations," simply because they're older. While these are fundamentally true statements, it's not a simple mind shift. Sometimes I want to say to someone making these comments, "How about YOU try and write with your other hand from now on." See how easy that is after decades of conditioning. See how many times you try and fail, and resort back to your normal hand.

This is a really large, ingrained problem and explains why so few initiatives don't work. They only attack a piece of the puzzle and/or are not widespread enough to sustain change. So what's the solution? I honestly think this is why the work of churches, non-profits, programs, interventions, and people like US need to get in there and set different expectations and "re-wire" them to see and think differently. Most of us that are educated/fortunate are here because someone else gave back. Likely, we should go teach. Volunteer. Mentor. Live next to them and let them come into our homes to see what it "could look like." Too many of us move out and away as soon as we reach that level of success. Leaving poor (black) kids to re-wire the "car" all by themselves, while using the other hand.

My point is....we should really focus the argument on us, not them. "Why can't WE try harder? Why can't WE stop making excuses? Why can't WE raise their expectations." Think about it.

Ok, off the soap box now.

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UPDATE

After reading this a friend of mine said "You sound like a brotha who doesn't have kids. Wait until you start reproducing....when I hear you say you don't have time for kids in the hood anymore, I'm pulling this email out, lol."

Here was my response:

True dat.
I do live in a neighborhood "formerly known as the hood" and already am like "I need to get out of here, these !@##$ are crazy!" I don't need kids to push me to that point. I'm not Geoffrey Canada, I just try and do my part in my own little selfish world.

Interesting thought though, if it's difficult for us to change and damn near impossible to say "I'm going to fully devote myself to others and live next to those that might rob me or negatively influence my kids" then imagine how difficult it is for conditioned poor kids to say "I need to disregard everything I have learned and set my expectations higher. I'm going to the library to study for the SAT!"

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UPDATE #2

Another friend wrote me and asked, "Wait so you don't think we should expect poor black kids to succeed? Are we that fatalistic? in my travels to lots of third world places, i have seen people in much worse situations than some of these kids in the hood. Just because you are poor does not mean you can't succeed or that you have to have a messed up mentality." She then went on to talk about her mother's bleak situation and how she fought through it and provided her children with an education.

Here was my response:

I absolutely agree with everything you said. Poor black kids' parents do need to fight through the excuses and raise the bar and hold their kids up to a higher standard. In the work I've done, that, plus an education, plus showing them other possibilities was the secret sauce to ending the cycle of poverty in a family.

My argument was more of a chicken or the egg problem. If expecting more wasn't instilled into them, is it realistic to think they will do it for their children? When I hear my neighbors call their 2-year old a "little mutha!@#" and the kid laughs and repeats it back at them, can you really expect that child to grow up and magically break that cycle? There has to be some type of intervention. Although the children you see in the 3rd world are far poorer, I bet their parents have higher expectations...maybe not the means but not the conditioned mindset as blacks in America. I also bet your mother wasn't raised being called a little !@#$ by her parents. And if she was, I bet there was someone in her life that raised the bar for her and told her she can be somebody. Again, intervention by someone, subtle or not.

All that said, I didn't mean to say it's futile. I just meant to say they're in a REALLY tough position and that some type of intervention needs to be injected in their lives to break the cycle. Do you think it's better to be "third world poor" with no resources but the belief that you can be better because someone instilled that in you, or be "American poor" and locked in the belief that "you ain't sh!t, your momma aint sh!t, and you ain't never gonna be sh!t!" It's a tough question...